I think the most terrifying realisation one could have, is waking up one day and realising that you’ve finally gotten everything that you thought would make you happy, but somehow, you’re still bloody miserable. and I wouldn’t say that I, won the lottery this year, or managed to get 5 different citizenships, but let’s just say that, most of my teenage life was spent, pinning my happiness, on various things, “oh if I was just in a better school, then, I wouldn’t be so miserable”. “Oh, if only I had my freedom, then I wouldn’t be so miserable.”.
And that went on for a long time, and honestly, I don’t think I’ve completely outgrown that. After all, isn’t that a universal problem that pretty much all of us deal with.
Anyway, I have this yearly tradition of making a video montage of all my best moments of the year, but this year? I realised that I really didn’t have much I could put in. This year was probably my most sickly year, both physically and mentally. I guess that’s expected when you’re locked in your house, and I could very reasonably blame the lockdowns, but the fact is, I chose to stay home, I chose, to not go out, take walks, I chose, not to make the most out of my free time, I chose, to be miserable.
I told myself that, if only, I, didn’t have to stress over my freedom, if only I had, a larger following, if only I had financial stability, then, I would be satisfied.
And this year, I got all of that. I finally did it. And yet the day after I had officially accomplished all of that, I woke up and, I realised that I was still miserable. And I still wasn’t satisfied.
Now don’t get me wrong, I knew, exactly what I was missing, I knew that I had a God-shaped hole in my heart, and that the only time I didn’t feel that way, was during the 33 days of my Marian consecration. It taught me to be grateful for the little that I have, and how much I didn’t deserve all the blessings I already had, and will have. It showed me how to look at life through rose coloured glasses. I knew exactly what I had to do.
But of course, that would be too easy wouldn’t it. Instead I told myself, it’s the darn mass restrictions, it’s the darn travel restrictions, if only I was allowed to travel, if only I could go to some country where I would have the freedom to go for mass, then, I’d be satisfied.
And of course, when you hide it behind such a virtuous intention, my, dissatisfaction, might even seem reasonable. But the truth is, this is exactly what I said the last time. And when I finally got everything I thought I wanted, I still wasn’t happy. What makes me think that if somehow, by some miracle, the travel restrictions were all lifted, and I could go travel the world and finally get out of this place that I blame for all my misery, what makes me think that I would finally be happy. And the thing is, y’know I probably would be happy.
But for how long?
How long until, i find something else to be ungrateful about, something else to blame, for my misery.
And I do understand that now. That there is nothing in this world, that’s ever going to satisfy me. But learning to be okay with that, it’s a much harder process, especially when what kept me going for most of my teenage life was, striving towards a higher standard, because I was always afraid that if I didn’t, then, I would truly be just, the fatherless boy from a single-mom family who relied on food stamps. I was so afraid of allowing myself to be defined by my circumstances, and becoming a degenerate.
And perhaps what I slowly realised was that, all I really had to do was, trust God and truly put my life in his hands. And if I had done that, I wouldn’t have had to spend all this time running from myself, when all I had to do was run towards Him.
I used to think that, if I ever stopped running, if I ever allowed myself to be satisfied, it would mean that I had given up.
The truth is, that, by thinking that way, all I was doing was, really just underestimating God’s plan for me.
I like to think that I trust in God’s plan, but if I really did, then I why do I keep fighting for the reigns.
If I think, that my plan, for my life, is so great, and so “God-glorifying”, then who am I, to think that God’s plan is not an infinite times better.
And I guess the truth is, that I don’t trust God. After all, how could I trust my father who art in heaven, when I couldn’t trust my father who art on earth?
So perhaps the biggest lesson of 2021, was realising, or rather, accepting, that I don’t have it all under control., that I do have wounds that run deep, and that, even though I might be an expert on acknowledging my own brokenness, and even though I know exactly what I have to do, actually doing it is a different story, because I’m always going to think i can fix it myself when the truth is that I can’t.
Year after year I put together these video montages and thank God for all these great things that he has blessed me with, but what I’ve realised is that if you only thank God for all the fancy things, then what happens when you just, don’t feel, blessed, anymore. Because like a lot of Catholicism, God’s love is objective, it doesn’t depend on what you feel. Facts don’t care about your feelings, we like to say, well, God’s love doesn’t care about your feelings. He loves you anyway.
And so if God loves me anyway, regardless of how I’m feeling, or, how “blessed” I feel, how happy I am, or, how miserable I am, how virtuous I am, or how sinful I am, then it’s only right that I do the same and, love him anyway.
Book of Job, Chapter 1 verses 21-22.
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”
In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.
